Hey.

I figured to try and compose my thoughts into words this way, even though I'm not very good at writing. I've spent a lot of time reflecting, maybe too much time. But there are some things I'd like you to know.

I made terrible decisions.

I turned my back on you. I let people, those who will not suffer the consequences, influence the decisions for which I will. I stood in the way of my own happiness for so long, telling myself that I should respect his thoughts all in an effort to reconnect with him. It left me unhappy and miserable. My father and I have a strained relationship, and I'm done being the only one trying to make it better. There is nothing to make better.

I'm done.

It taught me something else. I never wanted it to be a situationship. I was afraid, of what he would say, afraid of what you would think, failing to realize that it didn't matter.

I know I caused you great hurt.

I know I was cruel.

I know none of this changes what I did.

This indecisiveness of mine, and my belief that something won't work because he said something, or that truly knowing him will change your opinion of me. The only thing I can do is say I'm sorry. I really am sorry.

I never meant or wanted to hurt you, but I understand that the hurt does not change whether I meant it or not. In the end all that mattered were the things I did (or didn't do). Words meant little.

Trying to move on didn't work. No-contact didn't work either. You never really left my thoughts. There would be days that would go by with me being occupied to the point where I wouldn't have a chance to think, but even then you'd be somewhere in the back of my mind. You frequent my dreams as well. I would also wake up missing you, wondering if the dream was a nightmare or if the nightmare is the fact that I woke up.

But the thing that hurts me the most every day is that we didn't split for any "real" reason. And I blame myself for that. I never got to find out if this was it or not. I made that decision before we could have a chance. As with all decisions, this one was mine regardless of external influence, and I'll live with it like I do with the others.

In the end, I realized that it's my duty to grasp my independence and be myself, and stop living according to someone else's idea of how I should live. And I have to thank you for that.

I don't know if any of this means anything to you, but it does to me and I admit that.

I don't know what we are today. You said were not friends, family or partners, but we're also not strangers or enemies. But I do know that what we had meant something to me, more than I really allowed myself to admit. I know that you meant something to me. You still do.

I just wanted you to know.

I'm sorry.